Oh to be...

...listening to good friends playing good music, live

...a dancer in class with a good teacher and pianist

...performing on stage

...able to run

...with someone I can be absolutely comfortable with

...singing and playing the piano

These little comforts I used to take, I can't seem to find.

Green autumn bides no spring

green grapes with green tea

a year ago yesterday -

tasting sour-sweet.

fuyu samushi

frozen taste on frozen tongue -

will haru come?

Night-time conversational musings, Part I

I was talking to a friend the other day about what it means to be introverted/extroverted. We were speculating the nature of this strange trait. Is it an attitude, a characteristic, a preference?

Today, I realised that one way to look at introversion/extroversion is as a mode of fulfillment.

There are two ways in which a human can be fulfilled. One is through relationships with others, the other is through self-fulfillment. In a venn diagram, the overlapping intersection would be, I suppose, odd things like relations to entities like God, music and other abstractions.

Being fulfilled through relationships with others involves surrendering to the feelings you get when you are in the company of others. When you're devoted to loving someone else, whether it's in the form of friendship, filial duty or the (urgh, dreaded) romance, the pleasure of their company, and the atmosphere that surrounds you frees you from a sense of emptiness. To a certain extent, when you're caught up in relating to other people, you don't really have time to be caught up in your own problems, or feel dissatisfied with yourself. Even when employed in a negative way, hatred of someone can be so all-consuming that you can lose sight of your own problems. I speculate that extroverts would tend to find this way of finding fulfillment more natural and possibly more satisfying.

On the other hand, being fulfilled through setting your own goals involves being single-minded and focused. Although you may not be able to spend as much time enjoying the company of others, you certainly don't waste as much time (ever notice how spending time with others tends to make you waste so much time, pretty often doing nothing much other than waiting around?). For me, one of the consolations of a more self-directed lifestyle is that it is, to a certain extent, less of a risky venture in terms of end pay-off. I can always say to myself, 'Well, even if I haven't had much time with friends this time round, at least I've accomplished such and such.'

A rose by any other name

The other day my small group was talking about sexy names to name your child, and the few of them that happened to know my Christian name began to jibe me about it.

That got me thinking that although my name is, by consensus, decidedly a bad name for a person, it does make for great pick-up lines.

Like, 'Hi, I'm _____, and I'm yours, eternally.'

Or, 'Being with you makes me, me. I'm _____.'

Et cetera.

However, I realise that these lines would most likely be met with hearty guffaws and questions like, 'So, what's your name, really?'

I thought perhaps my Chinese name would hold more hope for me, so I went to find out what it actually meant. And you know what? I found out that my parents were not satisfied in making my life unbearable in English. They had to do it in Chinese too.

I found out that I'm a tonka bean (it's like vanilla, only with rather an edge). My name, literally translated, means New Tonka Bean. New Tonka Bean King.

I can go open a candy store - with my feel-good English name, and my vanilla-sweet Chinese name, I'm sure it'd be a hit. Although knowing Asian family values, I'd probably be disowned.

恭喜什么发财？

Why do Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day have to fall on the same day? It's like some cosmic schadenfreude specially planned to remind me of the cavities in my life.

If I say you're the one

Me and a good friend of mine agree that his voice, particularly in this song, is absolutely dreamy. =)

Similarity, much?

En le temps mon Age

Tossed up on a relentless sea,

we bury our pain beneath

the flurry of activity and

hope that eddies stirred up will tow away our troubles -

forgetting that we are not infinite bodies, so interrupted

memories will recollect and erupt again upon us.

Buoyantly, buoyantly,

we float on the surface of social niceties, mindless recreation, endless business...

thinking that if we evacuate our minds of feeling,

our hearts can go on vacation -

instead our mines are set, without our really knowing

where they are, waiting to be exploded.

No, we'd rather not risk drowning

in an ocean of uncried and quiet fragility -

we'd rather not risk a broken heart, or endanger ourselves finding that

as it turns out, there isn't really one to break.

So as the tides come in

with the waning and the waxing

of eternal gravity,

There is a kind of absentmindedness in which we deal

with the unbearable lightness of being.

So this is love

Perhaps the great mystery of love is quite simply the ability to make somebody feel happy.

Why did God create us? At the end of the day, the best that theologians - or at least, according to the theology I am familiar with - can come up with is: His pleasure.

Why do artists paint? Why do dancers dance? They might say they love to do that, or are dedicated to their work. But why love what they love? It makes them happy.

My friends inspire my love through the 'glow' of their personality - oftentimes, merely being in their presence makes me feel happy and energised.

So, at least as far as I can understand it, to be loved by someone is to have made them feel happy, and perhaps to be in love with someone is the continuous decision to keep making them happy.

I don't believe in the idea of there being one perfect person for me - the perfect fit (even enzymes don't really work that way). I'm even more skeptical of my capability of being perfect for anybody. But perhaps there are some patients whom I can better help, or friends whom I will find easier to be collectively happy with.

And I guess one day...

Looking back on the things He's done

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Galatians 5:22-23

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

- 2 Peter 1:5-7

I was sharing with God's Clay, my Singaporean church small group, I'm grateful to God for teaching me to be grateful.

As I look back on my life last year, and the mercies that God has shown me, I've come to realise how incredibly blessed I am. It could potentially have been an incredibly scary year - independence, going overseas, being alone in the world. But I've been blessed with developing friendships, a 'family' in church and med school overseas, and just so many small mercies in daily life.

I'm just as grateful - if not more so - for the old as the new. Earlier on last year, I was feeling a little lonely because I hadn't yet met anyone with whom I could really click with, so I confided with an old friend, who pointed me to God and helped me grow in my relationship with Him.

You know how sometimes you're just living life, you get this feeling that you're at peace, and there's this bubble of happiness inside of you that's welling up and might burst - you feel a little bit like crying, but in a good way. I get it sometimes when I dance, or when I'm looking at a sunset, or listening to an awesome piece of music, or running along the beach, or laughing and clowning around with a friend. Looking back on all these blessings inspires that feeling, and as a result, I've been feeling it more and more.

I'm not sure, but I dare say it might be joy. The euphoria may not be there all the time, but yet, even in the darkest times, joy remains in the form of the knowledge that no matter how shitty things are getting, there are always little graces that God gives for us to rejoice in (Philippians 4:4) - even if the only thing you can cling to is the fact that God will eventually see you through.

I'm a rather melancholy sort of person, given to seeing the sadness or the flaws that would ruin an otherwise happy or perfect situation. But seeing how God has transformed not only my own life, but the lives of those around me, fills me with gratitude that brings joy.

You might not be able to see it in yourself, but choosing to believe in El Shaddai - the God who saves - is a step that builds so many incredible and inspiring people. You don't have to look very far to find them in your lives, performing acts of goodness, kindness, patience, and service to others. Looking towards these people (Philippians 4:8) when I could only see weakness in myself also served as a source of encouragement and hope that perhaps growth in God would allow me to become a bit more like them. I may not have - all too many times I find myself behaving callously, thoughtlessly, selfishly, boorishly, willfully. You name it, I've sinned it. - but the knowledge that one day God will change me (Philippians 3:20-21) is a very encouraging thing.

I guess in summary, this last year I've grown to know a little more of the mystery that Christianity and its transforming power holds. By simple belief in God, while I would not presume to say that I've attained fruits of the spirit, I've come to taste some of them in my life. In my small faith, I have clung to God when I was happy, and when I was sad, when I was filled with hubris, and when I was brought to shame. Over this time, I believed, perhaps a little naively that gathering in His name, singing His praises and reading His word would somehow bring me closer to Him. Gradually, my eyes have been opened to the good in my life. This has brought gratitude, happiness, and in time, faith in God that He really will be there through thick and thin. This faith has brought peace and joy. I guess that's why Jesus said that the kingdom of heaven is like a tiny seed (Mark 4:26-34), in which all you need is a little faith.

Then they asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?"

Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”

John 6:28-29