Still waters run deep my dear

A friend of mine and I were chatting about the tension between wanting and being happy, and my tongue stumbled upon the sentence - happiness is not found by doing something in order to be happy, but in being happy doing something. I realise this marked a culmination of a 12 year reflection on happiness, which can be found here: 1 2 3

It's surreal to realise that is the fabric of reality - the things you realise come full circle in the never-ending cycles of being.

Happiness is not found by doing something in order to be happy, but in being happy doing something. But doing what? Whilst there is happiness in simply being in the moment, there is more to happiness and joy - fundamentally, it comes from connectedness and being of value to others. A sense of usefulness and purpose.

Sometimes that purpose seems to come the pursuit of something; a place of wanting. Perfection, for example (arguably a human construct that does not really exist, but don't get me started on that). For me at least, being drawn to all-consuming pursuits like dance or medicine perhaps stems from an unfulfilled sense of human connection. In a way, it is a form of escape from that sadness - that sense of disconnection or isolation. But no matter how good you are, it never feels good enough, or like you've worked hard enough. The very escape and reward becomes a kind of punishment as you feel inadequacy - no matter how hard you try, it is never good enough for you, and you realise that you haven't actually resolved the underlying sense of disconnection, but that it has come out as inadequacy of another sort.

The pursuit of a relationship as a means to that end doesn't work either. Whilst a seemingly straightforward solution to the problem of human disconnect, this pursuit is actually damaging to the relationship in question if the entirety of the weight of your need for connection now rests on a single person. It generally ends up in neuroticism like 'Oh my God, why hasn't s/he texted back when it says s/he is 'online' or has 'read' the text', and a sense of disappointment when you realise that the relationship or person has not lived up to your expectation of what connectedness should be. Relationships are not a solution, or a 'magic bullet' cure to loneliness. If you think they are, then in the words of Sia, all your bullets ricochet. To love isn't about fulfilling your own need.

Happiness cannot be pursued. In a related vein of philosophical musings, you can't always get what you want, and getting what you think you want is often an exercise in realising that what you think you want isn't actually what you are really lacking. To paraphrase the words of Anna Pavlova, happiness cannot be chased, but like a butterfly, will come to rest gently on your shoulder.

There is happiness and satisfaction in being fully present in the moment that you are in, not being distracted from it by the past, or the future, or your own wants and desires. Whilst for some people that amounts to the New Age mindfulness of simply being, meditation and the like, for me it finds its best absolution in connection and belief in God. The belief that He loves us, and that He has made it this way, and is working in our lives. That the situations we are in, however they look to our human eyes, have value. Weak or strong, rich or poor. The sick inspire us with their fighting spirit, and the well take joy in caring for those in need. For it is through our individual circumstances that we are uniquely positioned to connect to others, and to mean something to other people. There can be many dancers, or waitresses, or admin officers. But no one else is truly in the same position, and no one else can replace us. It is out of this that we find purpose. And it is through the ongoing fulfilment of that purpose that joy arises. Joy is that sense of purpose that is fulfilled by an other-person centeredness in human connection. Joy looks outwards and runs deeper than a feeling of happiness.

Love, happiness, joy. All inextricably intertwined and culminating in moments of bliss, through a very good conversation with a friend.

In the words of the Rolling Stones, you can't always get what you want. So the way to be happy? You can't want what you want. If you want something enough, you won't get it. It's when you don't want it, that you'll get it.

I think I sense some skepticism in the crowds.

Whenever I wanted something a lot, I placed expectations on myself and on getting that thing. If, and when, things got in the way of my ambitions, I would get really disappointed and frustrated. By contrast, when I just went along with what I was supposed to, I often found myself rather pleasantly surprised by the unexpected results.

Achieving goals, in itself, does not bring lasting satisfaction or happiness. I believe it when rich people tell you that they can have all the money in the world, but it can't buy happiness. I believe it when ambitious people who have achieved great things tell you they climbed to the top and find themselves dissatisfied and wondering what they do next. Achieving goals can bring you transient gratification, but not lasting happiness.

Happiness is being satisfied with how you spend your time. People sometimes like to ask 'what would you do if you knew you only had months to live?' The happiest people tend to reply 'I probably wouldn't change anything.' If you spend your time doing what is worthwhile, what brings good to others, what is enjoyable, no matter the outcome, you will have spent the time wisely, and you can be happy about having done what you can, having done your best.

So this is love

Perhaps the great mystery of love is quite simply the ability to make somebody feel happy.

Why did God create us? At the end of the day, the best that theologians - or at least, according to the theology I am familiar with - can come up with is: His pleasure.

Why do artists paint? Why do dancers dance? They might say they love to do that, or are dedicated to their work. But why love what they love? It makes them happy.

My friends inspire my love through the 'glow' of their personality - oftentimes, merely being in their presence makes me feel happy and energised.

So, at least as far as I can understand it, to be loved by someone is to have made them feel happy, and perhaps to be in love with someone is the continuous decision to keep making them happy.

I don't believe in the idea of there being one perfect person for me - the perfect fit (even enzymes don't really work that way). I'm even more skeptical of my capability of being perfect for anybody. But perhaps there are some patients whom I can better help, or friends whom I will find easier to be collectively happy with.

And I guess one day...

Looking back on the things He's done

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Galatians 5:22-23

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

- 2 Peter 1:5-7

I was sharing with God's Clay, my Singaporean church small group, I'm grateful to God for teaching me to be grateful.

As I look back on my life last year, and the mercies that God has shown me, I've come to realise how incredibly blessed I am. It could potentially have been an incredibly scary year - independence, going overseas, being alone in the world. But I've been blessed with developing friendships, a 'family' in church and med school overseas, and just so many small mercies in daily life.

I'm just as grateful - if not more so - for the old as the new. Earlier on last year, I was feeling a little lonely because I hadn't yet met anyone with whom I could really click with, so I confided with an old friend, who pointed me to God and helped me grow in my relationship with Him.

You know how sometimes you're just living life, you get this feeling that you're at peace, and there's this bubble of happiness inside of you that's welling up and might burst - you feel a little bit like crying, but in a good way. I get it sometimes when I dance, or when I'm looking at a sunset, or listening to an awesome piece of music, or running along the beach, or laughing and clowning around with a friend. Looking back on all these blessings inspires that feeling, and as a result, I've been feeling it more and more.

I'm not sure, but I dare say it might be joy. The euphoria may not be there all the time, but yet, even in the darkest times, joy remains in the form of the knowledge that no matter how shitty things are getting, there are always little graces that God gives for us to rejoice in (Philippians 4:4) - even if the only thing you can cling to is the fact that God will eventually see you through.

I'm a rather melancholy sort of person, given to seeing the sadness or the flaws that would ruin an otherwise happy or perfect situation. But seeing how God has transformed not only my own life, but the lives of those around me, fills me with gratitude that brings joy.

You might not be able to see it in yourself, but choosing to believe in El Shaddai - the God who saves - is a step that builds so many incredible and inspiring people. You don't have to look very far to find them in your lives, performing acts of goodness, kindness, patience, and service to others. Looking towards these people (Philippians 4:8) when I could only see weakness in myself also served as a source of encouragement and hope that perhaps growth in God would allow me to become a bit more like them. I may not have - all too many times I find myself behaving callously, thoughtlessly, selfishly, boorishly, willfully. You name it, I've sinned it. - but the knowledge that one day God will change me (Philippians 3:20-21) is a very encouraging thing.

I guess in summary, this last year I've grown to know a little more of the mystery that Christianity and its transforming power holds. By simple belief in God, while I would not presume to say that I've attained fruits of the spirit, I've come to taste some of them in my life. In my small faith, I have clung to God when I was happy, and when I was sad, when I was filled with hubris, and when I was brought to shame. Over this time, I believed, perhaps a little naively that gathering in His name, singing His praises and reading His word would somehow bring me closer to Him. Gradually, my eyes have been opened to the good in my life. This has brought gratitude, happiness, and in time, faith in God that He really will be there through thick and thin. This faith has brought peace and joy. I guess that's why Jesus said that the kingdom of heaven is like a tiny seed (Mark 4:26-34), in which all you need is a little faith.

Then they asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?"

Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”

John 6:28-29

Music: the polite audience

Warning: gush alert which shouldn't be surprising since I'm such a big fan of the artist in question.

Went for Lenka's Asia Tour at Zirca Mega Club (which is ironic, considering its unobtrustive location and tiny size). Was it The Show. As some fans said, "We don't want our money back." She's just that good.

The thing I love about live performances is the raw, unadulterated quality of the performance - you get to see whether the singer is really good or whether it's just smoke and mirrors. Lenka's even better live than she is on album, which is really quite rare in singers nowadays. Her slightly breathy, sexy vocals had remarkable breadth and range, which she exhibited quite fully in this performance. One of the things I particularly enjoyed was the emotion of it - there's no replacing a sensitive artist putting her soul into a song, and hearing and feeling it live. For one song, I was even moved to tears by her rendition. I also really enjoyed that she gave little snippets of insight into the songs she sang, and these added a depth to the songs which I already knew so well from her debut album. For instance, I found out that Dangerous and Sweet was a dance number written because of a fight with a girl friend in LA, and that We Will Not Grow Old was written for a best friend in high school who shared her sentiments of not wanting to grow up and become an adult. Although the meanings were quite implicit, it was nice when she spelled out that Don't Let Me Fall is about being afraid of getting hurt in relationships and wanting to trust again. In fact, her live renditions of Don't Let Me Fall and Like A Song were notable in their unique instrumentation. In Like A Song, fans got a blast from the past with radio waves from WWII.

The only disappointment was how, well in Lenka's words, polite the Singaporean audience was, laughing on cue, clapping and cheering on cue, and obediently doing everything on cue. There was no musicality in our response, nor was there an uninhibited sense of enjoyment (perhaps due to a lack of inebriation) that one might expect from adoring fans of at a live concert. Those in the mosh pit, most certainly didn't mosh. Instead, there was a sea of small LCD screens - yes, everybody there was so busy recording the concert that there was hardly anybody actually enjoying and experiencing it.

Nonetheless, it was an enjoyable evening with good props, better technicians, and wonderful musicians with a great sense of humour. Lenka even gets brownie points for attempting to play the trumpet! All in all, I was not disappointed, at least not with her and her artistry, and I can't wait to see more from her.

Some snippets of song lyrics from songs not in her album:

Maybe I Love You

by Lenka

Maybe I love you,
maybe I do
maybe this feelin'
inside me is true.
And if I love you,
and if I do,
then maybe, baby,
maybe you love me too.

I knew I liked you,
I knew I could.
And I knew a song
that was brewing in the air.
But I don't fall easily
too many betrayed me.

Pull Me Apart
by Lenka

You are the one
you are the only one
that can make me whole
yeah, you make whole.
There's only one problem
with this situation:
when you go,

I can't go on.
...

Cause you have a piece
a piece of my heart
that you take with you.

You pull me apart,
you break me in half.
Every time you leave
I'm a broken heart.
And I stay that way,

till I see you again

You put me all

back together again.

All My Bells Are Ringing

by Lenka

Take my heart this Christmas,
I'll wrap it in a ribbon and a bow,
yes, take my heart this Christmas,

take it where ever you go.

All my bells are ringing just for you.

Beatitudes

1. Sunlight shining on a white picket fence against a backdrop of green
2. A cool breeze on a sunny day
3. Running against the wind
4. Running with the wind
5. Realising you're not alone
6. Dancing cheek to cheek
7. The smell of freshly laundered linen
8. The smell of someone who's just had a bath
9. The feeling of Hazeline Snow on dry skin
10. The whoosh of air in a flying leap or in the angular momentum of turning
11. An anticipated meeting of old friends
12. Colours in the afternoon sun
13. Being a part of the music
14. Good group/team dynamics
15. Meaningful conversation
16. Getting something, really understanding it, for the first time
17. The salty smell of the sea
18. Holding a stuffed toy
19. Having your hair stroked
20. Being held
21. Making someone's day
22. Finding God in the small things

How to be happy

Firstly, look to the present. You will be able to find something in it that is beautiful. 

If you can't, look to the future, because you'll never run out of tomorrows, and with the advent of tomorrow comes inifinite possibilities, and renewed hope.

And when you're glad, look to the past, reflect and see how you can do better.

A moment of happiness

Many people around us think the secret of happiness can be found in self-help books, or on TV, or in the wise words of a friend, or teacher.

But they're not looking in the right place. If you look within yourself, you'll find that happiness come from within you. You don't need anyone or anything to help you find it, neither do you need anything to make you happy. It's just a part of you. As much a part of you as your heart beating, or breathing, but sometimes, things on the outside, like stress, and worry, and work just pile up so much you don't notice it anymore. Like when you don't pay attention, you don't notice your breathing, or your heart beating. However, if you just relax, you will notice these things. It's the same with happiness.

I found this out one day, when I was just sitting down with a book, enjoying the cool air conditioning, Haley Westenra's Pure album, apple juice and a dark chocolate mignonette. Nothing really out of the ordinary. But it was in this relaxed state of mind that I found my own real happiness, and not the transient, ephemeral kind.

Another thing about finding happiness, you have to discover it yourself. No one can really tell you how to get it. Part of hapiness is the joy in finding it. I may reveal this secret, and so may many other words of advice, but at the end of the day, as Mrs Tong might say, "it's all up to you, girls".

I'm getting back my prelim marks over these next two weeks. It may seem random, but it's not. Marks are one of those transient, ephemeral aspects of life which may bring you temporary happiness, or sadness. I've decided I'm going to enjoy the experience, relish the moments of worry, and find humour in moments of sadness, and of course, delight in the rare moments of gladness afforded to me.

怎么去拥有一道彩虹

怎么去拥抱一夏天的风

天上的星星笑地上的人

总是不能懂不能知道足够

－《知足》，五月天

When I fall in love, it will be...with dance

Every once in a while, when I throw myself into dancing completely, what I experience reminds me why I love dance so much. It doesn't matter any more that I'm not that good a dancer.

While I am dancing, my whole conciousness is just fixed on getting the steps (not just getting the right steps, but understanding them in the deepest fibres of your being). I don't think about how I will look to other people. I don't think about anything else, except the dance. You don't actually think about it conciously while you dance, but you get the feeling that you're just a girl; just dancing.

You feel happy.

Despite what people say about happy being an over-used word, I have to say, happy is just the right word to use here. Simple, succint and powerful. I can't call it euphoria, because that gives you a sense of losing control. I feel completely in control.

It doesn't matter to me what I actually look like while I dance. I most probably look like a baboon trying to attract a mate. Somehow, though, I just don't care. Plenty of time after the dance to listen to any corrections.

My inhibitions and self-conciousness just slip away as I become the dance.

After the dance, I don't feel weary at all. True, I will feel a little exerted, but I also feel completely alert, awake, ready to try again. After a while, sure, I feel the pain of friction burns and pressure bruises, but it fades when you get into the dance again.

I won't say that there are no words to describe it, becuase I always get annoyed when other people say that. It's like, what's the point of trying if you know that there aren't (any words to descirbe it, I mean)? But it really does require you to experience it before you understand why it all becomes worthwhile.