being a grown up
the super ego prevails
heartbreak of the id
Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts
Friday, May 15, 2020
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Non-negotiables
Last year, I established some clear values and clarified some defective thought patterns. My perfectionism, in particular. I realise now that perfection isn't about the finished product, or beating yourself up about failure.
Rather, it's a commitment. A commitment to disciplining yourself to do what you value, and embrace and take joy in repetition. Repetition is everything. Practise makes perfect.
To fail means you are challenging yourself. I used to avoid facing up to my failures, because I felt ashamed of not living up to my standards.
But standards are subjective. They are a perception we create for ourselves, to strive towards. As I grow to understand my practise of something, be it dance, writing, or being a a better Christian, I find myself constantly reevaluating and redefining my perception of perfect.
The real perfect, the real product is the process. The process of repetition and practice.
I embrace failure now, because I know that it reflects taking a risk. Failure, not success, enables you to learn and grow.
Over the next couple of years, I shall strive to establish habits. Non-negotiable disciplines and practises that I will retain for the rest of my life.
Some surprising non-negotiables emerged over the past couple of years, and they include needing to dance and write several times a week.
Last year, I experimented. I realised that five basics are essential.
The first four are meditation/prayer, adequate sleep, exercise, and eating.
I need a lot of exercise; in the ballpark of a minimum of ten hours a week. I need an average of seven and a half hours of sleep, and preferably earlier in the night and earlier in the morning, probably waking up around seven every day. To that end, I try to switch off screens after eleven, although sometimes important communication with family or friends trumps that desire.
I endeavour to eat slowly and mindfully, and luxuriate in conversation.
I avoid sugar.
I used to love all things chocolate and ice-cream, but I realised that I am addicted to sugar. The penny dropped when I ate almost an entire packet of cookies one night, and woke up the next day, head full of what I needed to do that day, and could not bring myself out of bed. Then the thought of a chunky cookie dunked in the foam of a cappuccino came to mind, and suddenly I was out of bed like a shot.
Last year, I attempted to quit sugar. I tried cutting it down, but it usually ended in a rebound day. So I tried abstinence, the way alcoholics do.
That worked.
It was quite possibly the best change, but also the hardest change I made. The first few days I was tired and craved it. I drank cider and bubble tea, which didn't count. But over time, I realised that my energy, cognitive clarity, moods and impulse control had drastically improved, and my belly fat had reduced.
The past quarter, I experimented with relaxing the abstinence in view of increased travel, Christmas and the social nature of having dessert and sweet things. But in those two months, I gained weight, developed acne, became more lethargic, moody and impulsive. I know that just as alcoholics must avoid alcohol, I too must avoid sugar.
The final is the most important constant of all, which is being able to let go of everything, and prioritise relationships. Family. The family I have by blood, the family I have in Christ, and the family I will have by marriage. The real center of my life.
Rather, it's a commitment. A commitment to disciplining yourself to do what you value, and embrace and take joy in repetition. Repetition is everything. Practise makes perfect.
To fail means you are challenging yourself. I used to avoid facing up to my failures, because I felt ashamed of not living up to my standards.
But standards are subjective. They are a perception we create for ourselves, to strive towards. As I grow to understand my practise of something, be it dance, writing, or being a a better Christian, I find myself constantly reevaluating and redefining my perception of perfect.
The real perfect, the real product is the process. The process of repetition and practice.
I embrace failure now, because I know that it reflects taking a risk. Failure, not success, enables you to learn and grow.
Over the next couple of years, I shall strive to establish habits. Non-negotiable disciplines and practises that I will retain for the rest of my life.
Some surprising non-negotiables emerged over the past couple of years, and they include needing to dance and write several times a week.
Last year, I experimented. I realised that five basics are essential.
The first four are meditation/prayer, adequate sleep, exercise, and eating.
I need a lot of exercise; in the ballpark of a minimum of ten hours a week. I need an average of seven and a half hours of sleep, and preferably earlier in the night and earlier in the morning, probably waking up around seven every day. To that end, I try to switch off screens after eleven, although sometimes important communication with family or friends trumps that desire.
I endeavour to eat slowly and mindfully, and luxuriate in conversation.
I avoid sugar.
I used to love all things chocolate and ice-cream, but I realised that I am addicted to sugar. The penny dropped when I ate almost an entire packet of cookies one night, and woke up the next day, head full of what I needed to do that day, and could not bring myself out of bed. Then the thought of a chunky cookie dunked in the foam of a cappuccino came to mind, and suddenly I was out of bed like a shot.
Last year, I attempted to quit sugar. I tried cutting it down, but it usually ended in a rebound day. So I tried abstinence, the way alcoholics do.
That worked.
It was quite possibly the best change, but also the hardest change I made. The first few days I was tired and craved it. I drank cider and bubble tea, which didn't count. But over time, I realised that my energy, cognitive clarity, moods and impulse control had drastically improved, and my belly fat had reduced.
The past quarter, I experimented with relaxing the abstinence in view of increased travel, Christmas and the social nature of having dessert and sweet things. But in those two months, I gained weight, developed acne, became more lethargic, moody and impulsive. I know that just as alcoholics must avoid alcohol, I too must avoid sugar.
The final is the most important constant of all, which is being able to let go of everything, and prioritise relationships. Family. The family I have by blood, the family I have in Christ, and the family I will have by marriage. The real center of my life.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I want my l-
"I want my lung. Dr Altman, I'm big. Too big. I don't fit in airplane seats and as Jeff is always telling me, my feelings don't always fit the situation. If my food is overcooked at a restaurant, I get enraged. I want to kill the waiter. But I don't. ...I spend my days making myself smaller, more acceptable. And that's okay, because at night, when I go onstage, I get to experience the world the way I feel it. Indescribable rage, and unbearable sadness, and huge passion. At night, on stage, I get to kill the waiter and dance on his grave . And if I can’t do that, if all I have is left is a life of making myself smaller, then I don’t want to live. I don’t."
- Singer with lung mesothelioma, Grey's Anatomy Season 6, Ep 12Is it wrong that I can identify with that sentiment? A little too much.
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