Always look on the bright side of life

Like many of my friends, I've been struggling during the final years of med school with stress. I've been constantly run down and tired. I've fallen ill so many times, for so long this year, I've lost count. I've been angry, snapped at people more. Instead of being genuine, I've maintained a pleasant demeanour motivated sheerly by the need to remain professional.

And I've been questioning why. Something definitely isn't right. Something more than just being sleep deprived. Cynicism and pessimism has crept in. I've been getting stuck in the negatives.



So this talk is a good reminder. In it, Alice Ledgerwood discusses our human tendency to remember the negatives over the positives. We find it easier to change from a positive mindset to a negative one. By contrast, it is much harder to change from a negative mindset to a positive one.

She suggests two ways to combat this; ways which closely parallel Christianity. Ledgerwood firstly describes how important taking time to be thankful is, how it makes a difference in terms of health, happiness and wellbeing. As Christians, saying grace, and thanking God, is an integral part of the relationship that we have with Him, and the practice of our faith.

The second point is addresses the way we tend to fixate on negative perspectives. We remember the insult far longer than we remember the compliment, and we pass on that negativism. Someone shouts at you, and you shout back, and you snap at another person, who snaps at another person, who snaps at another person... Ledgerwood suggests that returning good for bad is a way to break the chain. She suggests we return negative interactions with positive ones. For instance, giving the waitress with a bad attitude the extra large tip. This bears a striking resemblance to Jesus' preaching to love our enemies:

27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. 

32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be childrenof the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. 

- Luke 6, NIV

Positivism doesn't just affect you, one person, but it affects others around you - your network. About a year ago, I read a thought-provoking book written by Daniel Goleman called Social Intelligence. Contrary to what the title might suggest, this wasn't a self-help book on improving your social skills and emotional intelligence. Rather, it explored the implications of the neuroscience of our social brain, and how it affects our lives. Goleman names the phenomenon put forward by Ledgerwood emotional contagion and discusses its effect in relationships. Research has shown that stressful relationships and conflict drives up stress hormones and blood pressure, and lowers immune function. By contrast,  positive relationships providing a major source of satisfaction and well-being, as well as general good health. This opinion piece describes a similar phenomenon with regards to marriage. Goleman goes on to cite numerous scientists and physicians who provide both anecdotal experience as well as supporting data to show how important emotional support, or simply put, the Christian tenet to love thy neighbour, can make all the difference in preserving quality of life and coping with disease. Reflecting on my course of my study, I have found that this echoes resonates with a significant base of evidence to show that in numerous conditions, from suicide risk to heart attacks, from stroke to dementia, the presence of emotional support, such as a spouse, can make a critical difference.

So how do we skirt illness and death? How do we find happiness? How do we find meaning in life? Peace? It would seem Jesus is right. Ledgerwood is right. That the answer is simple, simply love others, and be thankful. Jesus terms this loving God and loving others. There are many ways to love God, but a major way we do this is by giving thanks to Him. And perhaps, in some very indirect way, all these things - happiness, good health, and everything we think we want - will fall into its place.

27 “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

- Luke 12, NIV

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On another vein, these thoughts have interesting implications on the practise of health. To my knowledge, public health has generally revolved around epidemiology and prevention, but the importance of "soft" factors like staying postive, like being loved, are still under-recognised.

Ideals versus People

Despite what has been said about no man being an island, we aren't quite the Pangaea that one might think. Rather we seem to be connected by the currents of activity which happen to thrust us together - a rapid version of continental drift that pulls us apart, and brings us in close apposition. We never quite touch, although at times it seems we come close to it. Perhaps it is our fallen nature that prevents of from ever fully sharing in each others' world.

In interacting with others, it pays to realise that ideals are weak things, and that ideas are only as strong as their impetus to realise, or actualise them. People build up so many ideas about what they want in relationships, about what they are looking for, that they are invariably disappointed. There is nothing wrong with developing these ideas of the sake of conversation, but the double-edge to ideas is that they very often stick around. They influence day-to-day decision-making subtly and pervasively such that the expectations you have of someone, the way you relate to them, and the impression you form, are all coloured by your preconceived notions.

When it comes to ideals, is it not more exciting to hold off thinking about them until you find yourself actually in a relationship with someone? Then, you can build on each others' perspectives and craft ideals and worldviews together, rather than endlessly turning these over and over in your mind before you start, building them up as barricades and hindrances that fortify a lonely island. Some think otherwise. Some think that by doing so, by preempting future troubles and concerns, and by firmly establishing their conceptions, they can avoid later strife or error. The problem is that there is a disjunct between theory and real life, and that ideas can never comprehensively address people and the intricacy that is life.

Colleague, boss, housemate, coursemate, brother or sister, prayer buddy, brother- or sister-in-Christ, bible study member, non-Christian friend, mother, father. Each seems to have its own set of predefined relational contexts and social norms. Whatever happened to just loving someone? Christians in particular seem to spend their time forging ideals and trying to get people in church to conform in the name of obedience, yet I fear an indviduals' path tends to take a narrative ethic rather than an absolute one. I have found that every person's moral dilemma is different, and there is no exact similarity between one person's choice and another's - that one action might be made in virtue according to one person's decision, but the same action might be made in vice in someone else's.

Yet there are so many meaningless church sessions trying to standardise the way we think about an idea, and attempting a reductionist's approach to moral decision-making. Ideas about sex, marriage, and gender roles, particularly, come to the forefront in the church where I am at. And I don't know how comfortable I am in the pews listening to what is said sometimes, as I see model become uniform reality, and a failure to recognise sinfulness within the paradigm, while readily recognising the sinfulness outside of it. Oh, we are such a sinful, fallen world. But when we do this, this is godly. But how very untrue this is! Within that very system of action it is possible to see where sinfulness can seep in, in the form of pride, selfishness, and all a manner of insidious ways, and this makes us no less prone to sin than the next person.

The strange thing is that I realise there is a role for this type of thinking in certain contexts. There are some things about morality, and about God, which are irrevocable. It is good to know what these are, and to be clear in them, and to be reminded of them, and to let these govern life decisions. Broad strokes paint a picture that I agree with, but the devil is in the details, and perhaps it is in these that I find real life prevails over human hermeneutic preaching.

Over the past year or so, I'm coming to appreciate more and more the simple reality that relationships in true reality, in God's kingdom, are best thought of in the context of being brothers- and sisters-in-Christ, and being accordingly loving. My experiences have led me to see that supporting someone with love means intimacy and empathy. It means rooting for them when they are struggling in the absence of judgement. This holds true whether you are relating as a colleague, boss, housemate, coursemate, brother or sister, or significant other. We can support each other by showing our care in the ways that we can, and realise we can never be perfect for someone, even so. Even more importantly, loving someone means forgiving them, or making the choice to forgive them preemptively. How much of blame and unforgiveness in a  relationship comes from someone not being able to address our own personal flaws, our own inadequacies, rather than their intentionality to hurt you.

Perhaps loving someone is not about doing what is right, doing what one ought to, because the underlying emotional truth is that in thinking in this way, in doing so, you are only stroking your own egotism and self-righteousness. Instead, what is right is defined by the process of loving others.

I was talking to Ahmah the other day about why we sometimes end up behaving completely differently around different people and in different situations. It almost seems a bit hypocritical.

But when you think about it, it's not really. You aren't changing who you are, but you're respecting the people whom you interact with.

For instance, when you go to a church, you don't wear a bikini. It simply isn't decorous (is that even a word?). Instead, you wear something that's appropriate to the occasion. In the same way, when you're around different people, you need to be sensitive to them - to talk to them about what they're interested in, to monitor your behaviour such that they are comfortable around you. It's a sign of respect.

Weird social practises: eating

You're not supposed to do obscene things in public - that's what your mother always told you.  At least, you should avoid doing things that are unpleasant for other people to watch, in public. Like dig your nose. Or fart.

So I wonder, why isn't eating gross? If you think about it, eating should gross you out! I mean, who on earth would want to look at someone shove a utensil up his mouth, and chew? It's as bad as poking your finger in your nose and digging around for a booger.

But oh, no, eating is somehow un-gross. People actually make appointments to go and watch each other eat! People find it romantic to go out to dinner together.

At least we don't have to see what's in their mouths.