Hurt people hurt people.

In a multi-dimensional universe, where the choices we make create the space-time reality we occupy (established in respect of the deterministic laws and relationships that govern it), art tunnels a wormhole. Art ties a topographic knot into the continuum, allowing us a mediated portal to a different world. For a few brief, illusory moments in time, art sheds light and creates space for a deeper truth to emerge, one which might ruffle the fabric of space-time in strange and incongruous ways.

Life is a process where letting go is the only constant

When people are gone, we live with our memories of them, we curate what they mean to us, we erase wrongs.

They become who we want them to be, and we get to become who we would have wanted ourselves to be when we were with them, and let the human who has moved on be at peace.

Love is a many-splendid thing

"I never realised that the best things in life are hidden in the most mundane things."

"Love is a feeling you can’t hide. You don’t plan it out at all. It makes your head spin. It paralyses any sense of logic with an incredible destructiveness. The ecstasy caused by love can numb your senses to an extent where you don’t even feel the pain of death. It’s incredibly dangerous."

- Eve, Ep 6 (K-drama)

It surprises me how a script that is translated from Korean to English can be so powerfully eloquent. Truth is universal.

It's funny how life works. How the things you fight so hard for can suddenly be rendered meaningless by a change of heart.

I'd always felt convinced that whatever my path, that my life's work was to do something good for the world. To make a difference. Or something cheesy like that.

A point of honesty is reached when you realise that maybe the world doesn't actually need that. It doesn't actually need me. That maybe altruism is only a form of disguised egotism (I do think egotism gets a bad rap, and that it's an essential part of the human condition, the human will to survive and thrive, but that's another blog post perhaps). 

That perhaps my life's work is simply to let the world be (good, or not), and appreciate what, or rather who, comes to me.

Eye square

I realize that if our eyes were not 4-dimensional we would not be able to perceive 3 dimensions. We would only be able to see two. It would seem that quaternions function almost intuitively like this. Our ability to move our eyes around and adjust these micro changes in size as a result of their rotation around a fixed point helps us to perceive that eye’s images are two-dimensional representations of a three-dimensional space and assign scalar and rotational symmetries to the three seen dimensions.

Transcendence

“Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. ...Music is the one incorporeal entrance into the higher world of knowledge which comprehends mankind but which mankind cannot comprehend.” - Ludwig van Beethoven

Robin Spielberg's TEDx talk brought me to tears. She told stories about her experience of music's power to heal, to provide catharsis, to soothe anxiety and change the brain. Around 13 minutes into the talk, she describes how she went into a nursing home to play. Disappointed at the quality of the piano, the lack of applause, and lack of responsiveness of the audience, she decided she was just going to go into the lala land of her music and get through the hour. As she was leaving though, a nurse came up to her, and told her that it was amazing, all of the connections she made. The nurse described how one of the patients, hearing her play 'Moon River', had been singing along, speaking for the first time in years.

For me, vital, life-giving importance of art lies in its powerful ability to connect to our human experience. It transcends in a way the best efforts of the prefrontal logical mind cannot. It transcends the individual narratives of our lives, speaking to us as though the creator intimately understands our inner world. 

As a choreographer, I would probably wouldn't pick myself to be the performer that breathes life into the work. But I am grateful for the chance to shape and share in the numinous experience that is music and movement. In that moment, I am uplifted by that which comprehends mankind, but mankind cannot comprehend. 

Not that anyone needs another opinon

The greatest victories are not over land, won with guns and bombs, but in changing beliefs, and transforming hearts.

The tensions between Ukraine and Russia sadden and worry me, but I am hesitant to speak out against one or another country. I would never take sides in the middle of a couple's quarrel. Situations are so often more nuanced and if we are not party or privvy to this, judgement or mediation would seem beyond my scope to have an opinion on. 

I am heartened though, by the global humanitarian aid efforts and moral support sent to Ukraine. In an abusive relationship, whilst you wouldn't punish the abuser, you would definitely want to empower the victim to leave the relationship. 

I do have an opinion on cancel culture. Just because you don't agree with someone doesn't mean you have to unfriend, block or shout them down. The great American value of democracy and freedom of speech seems to have been forgotten by many allegedly democratic parties today. Respectful disagreement, entertaining opposing views, and even conflict are part of healthy emotional growth. As is learning non-violent communication techniques and realising that no one is perfect, or right, not even yourself, and being willing to be changed.

What I am heartened by are people who recognise that regardless of politics, Russians are humans too, and need basic necessities, and as much as I may not condone how Russia is behaving, why is there a need to punish all Russians, even those living overseas? Do people think that doing that is going to sway Putin?

At the end of the day, when it comes to conflict, it often isn't about who is right or wrong, but what is the best outcome for everyone. Desperate people pushed into a corner can do dangerous things.

In the meantime, I celebrate the Ukrainians who continue to live, love and work harmoniously alongside Russians. There is a kinship of the human spirit united in a common cause, be it in the pursuit of art, or science, or even food, which unites us despite our political and social differences. As a lone voice in the outback, I hope we continue to remember that we are all humans, all experiencing life, and find empathy and love for each other in that.

Non-sands and breeze-blocks

The sands of time make a heavy trove
a chest unlocks and heaves
a sigh -

I see you
in the glimpses between 
in sunlight and blue skies
in white sand and surf
in counting knots
in sweet abandon
in memory and music

I close my eyes, or leave them open
it matters, not
as it dissolves today and ten years ago - 
I edit my life 
in a blink.

I am happy 
and thoughts of you
in breezeblocks
are best left unaltered;
would that they could be washed away
by the tide of time
and the keeping of a life
much richer for having had you in it
but all the more so for not; 

Cognitive dissonance swells 
memory cements
as life informs wisdom
and impulse slips by
a chest unlocks and heaves
a sigh.

the art of letting go

being a grown up
the super ego prevails
heartbreak of the id

I think I found my new earworm

Adelaide Fringe 2020

In a creative process littered with malapropisms, Kath & Kim references and camaraderie, the world premiere of Retrieve Your Jeans came together with professionalism and creative flair.

Through the subtle humour that draws from the performance of the everyday, the performance does what all good art should - reveal something about our human nature, retrieves our homophonic genes; through vignettes on how we interact, the solitude of human struggle and how we find refuge in community.

Or not. Retrieve Your Jeans neither puts on airs nor endeavours to be philosophically prescriptive. The piece is equally successful as a child-friendly, everyone-loves-Toy-Story, heartwarming departure into another fantasy world, one where we find the struggles of everyday life endearingly funny. 

Free this weekend? Bring your mates, or bring your kids, and find out how washing machines, laundry lines, and folding denim can evolve into a whimsical piece that draws you in and leaves you wanting more. And still have plenty of time for a good dinner, or drinks after.

Full disclosure of bias: I was a fly on the wall during the production.

I'm not sure when exactly,
friendship is a funny thing, creeping up on you slowly
you get used to having someone around,
when they are around long enough,
they become
a permanent fixture in your heart.

I'm not sure when exactly,
that Sadness and I became friends.
But, in any event,
we are close.

I'm sorry I can't laugh and
talk of nothing all the day long
with friends who don't know Sadness
the way I do.

I don't hate you, Sadness
I wish more people weren't so afraid of you
I find you
perfectly beautiful
a lonely and often quiet soul
and all the more beautiful for it.

I don't blame you, Sadness
for your all-consuming nature
and the wall of unavailability
we've built around us.

I just wish more people could
know you like I do
revel in you like I do
enjoy you like I do
and see really,
how you co-exist with Joy,
and not not invite you to parties.

Movement is life

What it is about art, that the impetus for production is repression and deprivation? War, sickness, separation. Death. Unresolved love. Crises of the spirit catalyse art. The more we repress the subconscious it seems, the more active it becomes, the more its activity seems to bleed into consciousness and find an eventual manifestation.

The other day I was having a conversation with an Israeli about how much I loved the Israeli approach to movement, and how much respect I had for their movement techniques such as gaga and Feldenkrais. I reflected on how dancers here possess a totality of movement that seems to come from a much deeper attunement to the mind-body connection. She said with a sense of humour that it was because in Israel, where we are surrounded on all sides by the intensity of conflict, war, and crisis, we search for something else to focus on with greater intensity. We search within ourselves.

Perhaps it was environmental pressures that selected Israel to become the mecca of contemporary dance it is today. Richard Wolpert hypothesises that the mind was made to move; that the nervous system was evolved to allow complex movement, citing the example of the sea squirt, which digests its own nervous system for food once it has settled on the rock it will call home. It no longer needs to move, so it no longer needs its brain.

The humble sea squirt, incidentally,
may also present a potential treatment for mesothelioma.

There is something deep within us that needs to move. Whilst it stretches the metaphor to say the sedentary lifestyle is eating our brains and causing strokes, even in the language of evidence based medicine, we know this to be true.

We are in a generation which venerates the mind and dismisses the body. Yet the language of movement is impossible to quantify and analyse through the language of cerebral science alone. It needs to be embodied to be fully understood. That is what dancers do. Research movement. The connection of movement to the body, the connection of moving bodies to each other, the connection of movement to rhythms.

As the world turns to the advancements of medicine and technology for the elixir of health and youth, there is a need to return to the arts. To come back to what is within us, the fundamentals of who we are, and embrace and enjoy what it is to be humans - minds made to do, and to move.

Whatever will be will be

Do you want to be a dancer
It means travel
It means loneliness
It means poverty
It means toil
It means sweet passion for perfection
for expression
for a voice that can be felt more powerfully than words
It means doubt
It means conviction
It means love
You should only be a dancer
if you cannot be anything but.

Do you want to be a doctor
It means hard work
It means fighting
against systems that don't really work
for people who don't always help themselves
losing battles
but giving hope
It means stability
It means reliability
It means respect
It means empathy
It means sorrow
It means love
You should only be a doctor
if you cannot be anything but.

I can say now that I've travelled the world
I've lived a double life
I cannot be anything but.

I will be what I will be
but only as much as it matters
for what matters most.

You can only love

for you cannot do anything but

to find what matters most

is not what you love

but whom.

Two lefts don't make a right

I don't believe in the one, the right person.

But there are people who are more mature and ready for a relationship; the person who doesn't always have to be right, or in the right, but validates your feelings equally alongside his.

You're in a tricky situation when you are with someone who thinks they are in the right; they are justified. In doing so, they invalidate your feelings. Ie in their head, your emotions are irrational. You are in the wrong.

The person who always wants to do the right thing often ends up inadvertently doing damage. They doesn't see the grey. They bottle up negativity and hide weakness. For underneath the guise of loving words and long-suffering silence, barbs of self-righteous contempt for you cut more slickly than overt argument.

You could both do the same; both think you're in the right; sweep frustration under the carpet. Or you could end up playing the weak, irrational tyrannic who can only do wrong; a narrative written by their desperate need to do right.

A mac between two windows

Restored when you revisit -
refreshed the pane stares back at you.

Through the looking glass
what once felt a bittersweet torture -
the years apart -
has become
a lopsided work of art.

Letting go of what you love is hard but sometimes necessary

Lying in the dark
I can't sleep caffeinated
Reminder to self

Little Things With Great Love

"God does not call us all to great things, but calls us to do small things with great love." 

-Mother Teresa

Trying to soothe the chronic feeling of inadequacy with the balm of reminding myself that I am enough. I am reminded that it is not about how I want to fashion myself and serve my own ambition, but it is truly that I am His work, and I am fashioned according to his exact purposes.

Today, conversation turned to a hawker who worked from 6am to 10pm frying char kway teow and happily drove his Mercedes to work every day. Then, to a multi-millionaire businessman who, in university, made many friends, enjoyed life, and was mostly having his homework done for him by his more intellectual friends. Then, to someone who loved fiddling with watches, and now consults with top watchmaking companies.

Char kway teow

One capitalised on his culinary skills and became a hawker. Even though he may not be widely acknowledged with a Michelin star, the people who know of him appreciate his work, and he is the local's secret.

The other capitalised on his social intelligence, in working through the system to achieve their own ends, and became a businessman. He followed his interest in people, in talking to others, in managing money and making profit. He might not be as famous and high-profile as Bill Gates, but I doubt that was what he wanted.

All three pursued their passion. Did they know what they wanted? Yet each person created space in their lives to keep doing what they were passionate about.

Every moment of our day, every opportunity that comes our way, we are equipped with the sum of our experiences, skills, temperament and character, and we are leveraging this to move forward. Formally or informally, we are carving our own training pathways, and creating our own opportunities.

Too introverted. Too weak. Bad sleeper. Overthinking again. A litany of deprecation that never ends. I realise that everything is relative, and these weaknesses don't just mean that I am not cut out for something. It means I am better cut out for something else. When it comes to what I want, I would be a fool to think I know what that is.

What I do know is what I am passionate about. God. Loved ones. Writing. Dance. Health.

I realise that His grace is sufficient for me. I am reminded that all I can do is do what I can, with as much love as I can muster. Appreciate what I have. Make the most of the opportunities that lie before me.

I look at the love that I have, and the love that I have not, and lay it all before the one who loves me more than I can conceive of love.

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

-Matt 11:29-30 NIV