What force majeure is sheathed

This year I've been busying myself a great deal.  But lately, I've been realising that the flurry of activity hasn't really equated to actual productivity.  I've been having the vague and dawning (or is it sinking?) realisation I've been going about things the wrong way, especially since I've been starting to let it obscure my vision of  the more important - making time to show consideration, or care for others.  Over this weekend, I put a pause on my life and went for my church's retreat, themed Buying Time.

There were a number of elective workshops at this camp.  Paradoxically, I decided to go for an elective talk on leisure.  I chose it for the most excellent reasons - it was being held in the most nearby venue, and it was the one most of my bible study group mates were going for.  But sometimes sloth and peer pressure bear unexpected fruit.

The speaker said something that really struck a chord.  He said that you could be doing exactly the same thing, but it could be sinful in one context, and not in another.  It depends on your intentions behind the deed.  As he aptly (because of course, anyone who cites one of my favourite authors is nothing else but apt) cited:

There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter-claimed by Satan.

from Christian Reflections by CS Lewis (1967)  

That got me questioning my own motivations concerning my anxiety over work.  There was guilt because I'd disregarded my studies all last year.  I'd been having doubts about whether medicine was what I really wanted to do, whether it was really right for me, only to realise that I was just being silly.  So more guilt because I'd wasted the year.  Then, there was inferiority for similar reasons.  Then, the fact I'd been delayed in my course left me with still more insecurity.

So lets see...there's guilt, guilt, and oh yeah, more guilt.  That was when I realised that I had been more motivated by this than by the joy there is to be taken in learning.  I had been holding onto these insecurities so tightly, they were getting in the way of my attempts to compensate for them, and getting in the way of who I was as a person - my identity in Christ.  That is to say, following Christ in a gospel-centered lifestyle.  Heeding what is said about love, and not living for my own selfish ambition.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.  Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

- Eph 5:15-17 (ESV)

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It's strange how time unfolds, sometimes going backwards, remembering the past, sometimes preempting the future - even as I say that, I realise that it sometimes comes to exactly the same thing.

What force majuere is sheathed
as I sit on the aged wood, and as
a majesty of blue green spills outwards
from beneath.

Jettisoned from reality
I become ensconced
by swathes of Dupioni silk -
its gently crinkling breaths
appear a mildly ruffled placidity.