The importance of being earnest

Whenever I come back to Singapore, I feel a great sense of refreshment and clarity in who I am, and who I would like to be, as a result of my place in the context of the friends I have.  Birds of a feather, cut from the same cloth, and so on.  

I met up with a friend for a good meal today, and she was saying how she likes to make everyone happy and she doesn't really mind for herself personally.  She felt blessed with many opportunities and she was contented.  Many of my friends are like that.  These people may not waste so many words, others are 'won without words' by their conduct, showing the purity and reverence of their lives (1 Pet 3:1-2).  What she says in silence, by her attitude, demeanour and consideration speak volumes and are far more influential, in a deeper way in making people want to be peace-loving and kinder to one another.

Perhaps this is what as Christians, in brotherly love, should value most.  The care we can give to others is what it really means to have brotherly love.  

The other things that seem so important, that society tends to glorify more - our appearance (even that of kindness, if it is merely to appear to show care), career, ambitions; even the wealth of art, culture and science that seems to be the pride of mankind - these are just preoccupations of the world.  Literally, they are what we do before (pre-) we are really occupied for others.  For what do they matter?  

Part of the reason why things like art, culture or science (or perchance, even the trappings of religion) are important are because of their benefit to society.  But they are the icing on the cake, and without the cake itself, what use is icing?  If our lives lack even the basic substance of society - that of caring for the other person, of desiring after their good, attempting to enrich it by blazing contributions in work or riches are just human vanities (Ecc 1:1) that fatten us rather than fill us.

In the grand scheme of things - perhaps there is none.  Perhaps the biggest things are really the smallest things that make a difference in people's lives - taking the time to listen and make time for people, to help out where we can.  

Music: the Indie Originals

Totally kicks Jayesslees' butts.

A car so dear

To own a car in Singapore
would be so very fine.
For to get across this fair Isle
is a marathon in time.

The public transport fare's so dear,

the ERP's sublime.

To know that while you're stuck in traffic
you were trying to avoid,

at least you wouldn't have to pay
the peak-hour rate

(now it's all the time)
of stalling in the cab
(you called? that's an extra $5) - 

lao ban, it's only double the old price.

To refrain from texting on commute,
while waiting in the jam,
to know that you're not on a train
(where you'd bestandingsquashedoneithersidebreathing
someone else's carbon-dioxide)
or a bus at going-home time.

To own a car in Singapore - 

A! Fine it seems to me!

The public transport fare's so dear,

the COE's sublime.

To pay an extra $100k,
what a boon it must be,
to rent a car priced a tenth of that -
ten years? Why, it's only half your salary.

Medical authors

It's most endearing that many of the authors of medical textbooks have a personal voice that reflects their particular eccentricities.

The nose is sited conveniently in the centre of the face. In this position it may readily be inspected inside and out.

Or

Even the experienced gastroenterologist must restrain his or her excitement and begin the examination of the gastrointestinal tract with the hands. ...Self-restraint is no longer required and it is now time to examine the abdomen itself.

Different

Heard this on Gossip Girl (Season 5, Ep 4) and immediately tracked it down.  Perfect down to the slight laugh in her gravelly, wistful voice.  

As I've grown up, I've noticed that certain people use the word 'different' to mean 'someone who is unlike us', 'someone I don't really understand, and most probably cannot get along with'. It's code for 'let's keep a polite distance from this one'.

A: How do you find person X?
B: Hmm, she's had a lot of life experiences. [pauses significantly] She's different.

A friend once shared a favourite book entitled Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. It was about a girl who was different. It wasn't about daring to be different. It wasn't about trying to fit in. And it wasn't about trying to be someone. She just was herself.

“In our minds we tried to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely went through and away she flew.” ...“We had no one to compare her to, no one to measure her against. She was unknown territory. Unsafe. We were afraid to get too close.”

---

“She's in tenth grade,' he said. 'I hear she's been homeschooled till now.' 

Maybe that explains it,' I said.” 

And the people who chose to set her apart.

Words unsaid

We want to say 'I forgive you'.  We want to say 'I understand'.  We want to say 'I know you've been through a lot, and I get that'.  We want to say 'I'm sorry'.  We want to say those three words.

But these words rise up inside of us and get caught at the back of the throat, like a fishbone that refuses to be coughed up or swallowed down.  Instead we say something easier, hoping that by the slightest of changes in attitude, like by being slightly nicer to someone, or by sharing our problems with a third party, somehow, the other person will know how we feel.

People say that it's pride that gets in the way.  But sometimes it's just the awkwardness of saying something as if out of the blue.  It's the fear that in expressing a sentiment, you might find yourself unable to follow through.  It's having experienced something together, but not knowing how to deal.  It's seeing the person, and not knowing what to do.

Love like a double-edged sword.

'There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.' 

- Meredith, Grey's Anatomy Season 7 Ep 22

Constantly torn between the romanticism of love and the reality of it.  One minute, one day, one moment in time, you're filled with the possibility of love.  The next, reality hits you in the face and you realise its impossibility.

So I face reality, and I realise that as much as I make out of my friendships, there is a gap between my ideal of friendship, and the reality of what kind of friend I can be.  We're supposed to feel, then think, then act accordingly.  But there's a gap.  A gap I wish I could fold like a piece of paper to make two ends meet, but I can't.  

Then, there's the gap between what I make out of the friendship, and what my friend makes out of the friendship.  We all have different ideas of intimacy.  There's always an imbalance somehow.  And as much as I'd like to bridge the distance that exists between one person and another, there's a gap.  A gap I wish I could fold like a piece of paper to make two friends meet, but I can't.  I'd rather not break the ice if we both get caught on the shards.

Meredith: We are not better! [pause] Cristina, a psychiatrist given several opportunities has deemed me unfit to do my job.

Cristina: Well he'll get over it, just go back in a couple of days.

Meredith: You are not better!

Cristina: Well, in a couple of days I'll be better too.

Meredith: In a couple of days you'll be married.

Cristina: Are you trying to talk me out of this?

Meredith: Look at me and tell me you're sure.

Cristina: Okay, you know what? You don't get to do this. All you get to do, is help me break the tie between the lilies of the valley and the peonies. That's it.

Meredith: No, I do get to do this. Derek is the love of my life, but you're my soulmate. I do get to do this. I mean, why can't it wait six months? Your flowers aren't going anywhere! You broke up with him because he couldn't choose you. Just why does it have to be right now?

Cristina: I think, I think you should tell Derek about the miscarriage.

Meredith: We are talking about you.

Cristina: We are talking about us not being better? Then you need to tell him.

Meredith: He's not ready. He's not okay.

Cristina: You're not okay! You should tell him!

---

Cristina: I never gave you any crap about your post-it.

Meredith: You look beautiful.

Cristina: I know. How's Owen? Is he good?

Meredith: Owen's perfect. He's perfect.

Cristina: Thank you.

- Grey's Anatomy Season 7, Ep 1

If only life was the way they portray it on television.  To have the soulmate, the friend who sticks closer than a brother (Pv 18:24).  To have the kind of friend you can crawl into bed with at the end of the day, and be welcome, even when they're married.  To have sentiments toward each other that are equally reciprocated.  But reality is that such friendships don't exist beyond the silver screen.

And if I already feel that way about my friendships, what of love? What is love?

They say it is better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all.  But if all I feel is an emptiness that belies my sense of loss, maybe I've never really loved at all.  Maybe, I never will.

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone.

Quotes

"The heart has its reasons that reason does not know." - Blaise Pascal

"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives." - The mirror has two faces

"A dream makes perfect sense until you wake up. Then it is often recalled as illogical, bizarre and disjointed." - Laurie Richards

Scab

Madness is when
the mind gets stuck
on the wound that never healed,
when the scab that can be picked at
starts to bleed and before the clot can be formed again
you pick it apart, just so you can stay there
in the pain.

Because underneath the life you lead
that scab itches
and when you run your fingers across the surface
you can feel
the bump
the inconsistency -
the knowledge of your failure to gain
full closure.

So in order not to be
exposed in your ugliness
your scabby state naked to the world
you clothe yourself in the business of everyday life
and cover over your wounds
with the mask of sanity -
you deny ever having been hurt at all.

---

Paper/cuts\

Where the wor/l\d/s
daggered, jagge(re)d edges gently cut -
sublime douleur exquis!
        Perhaps too close to the bone.

S/witch worlds for word/s erration
The pain on
        pane of\f/
                     Frostian glass\flash of light pierced up- /
                  on the darkened ash-filled fireplace re-
       flecks off/on\ the burnt-out soul.

---

As I trudged home today, I noticed the bark moulting from the trees.  The smooth white veneer above was tearing away, strip by strip, to reveal the jagged, browned unevenness below.   Thus laid bare, the trees seemed wearied with the pain of growth.

I don't know, but it seems to me that growing up feels so much like giving up on your dreams.  It seems like the more you learn, the more you lose.  And I feel as though I've lost so much of my life that the rest of it barely seems worth fighting for.

Fed up of the endless feeling of angst, of frust.  Fed up of seeing the hopelessness and the helplessness of life - the fallen, sinful nature of man, magnified in chains of action and reactions - reflected images disrupt on shards of glass.  Full up on being fed up.

On beauty

Some women wear makeup to enhance the beautiful,
Some women wear makeup to mask the plain,
Some wear makeup to make plain the suffering and pain.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is vain; (Pv 31:30)

Mis-Sings

All the missing pieces
are marked by empty time.
And empty kinds of places
make for empty frame of mind.

My mind is full of fullness -
of time and times gone by
lacing all the streets I wandered
with laughter and with love.

An isle of memories remains -
a-head I wonder on
the streets that have been laundered
dry of memorabilia.

This place is waiting to be filled,
I know this in my head.
But in the streets of far away,
my heart is dis-placed instead.
And empty kinds of places
make for empty frame of mind.