So anyways, I guess if you haven't talked to me in a long time, and want to know what's going on in the life of this nose on an ever-sideways-enlarging-stick...
- I just enrolled in my first-ever extra-faculty course, called Reading Performance. Performance studies is an exciting field of study which explores mind-bending issues like 'Is all the world really a stage?' and 'What isn't a performance?'
- I can now dance again!
- But most life-changing of all (yes, even more so than my ability to dance again), my church organised a week-long camp called Mid-Year Conference.
They do this every year, but this year, since I had no excuse for not going, I ended up going. Despite my initially blasé attitude, it turned out to be meaningful for me as it helped me to sort out various life struggles and drastically change my attitudes towards life and relationships.
The first one was the issue of managing time and talents. It's quite a big question in my mind, as I always wonder if I'm making the best use of what I have, especially given the fact that I waste a lot of time. It's also an issue in the sense that for me, blind ambition was not exactly discouraged, although I was always told to keep a grip on reality. The more I go through life and think about things though, the more an existentialist crisis seems to grip me - the Ecclesiastic 'everything is meaningless' sort of mentality.
However, one of the electives I attended in the camp, about spiritual gifts, radically changed my mindset. As opposed to mystical gifts, what one might expect, the speaker emphasized that everything in our lives, from our state of marriage, to the people in our lives, to our administrative abilities - all is a gift from God. As such, we should use these gifts to glorify Him and to edify, or build up, the church, which is really just a term for the fellowship that can be shared in Christ. The speaker drove the point home for me by giving the example of someone who spends all his time honing his ability, and asked us rhetorically if it was really the best use of his time.
As someone who struggles with people interaction at times, I tend to prefer to escape into some task - be it reading a book, or watching a movie, or dancing, rather than spending time meaningfully with others. Yet what he said made sense. I am beginning to see that there are opportunities for me to be using my life to build up the church. Most of the time, all that's really required from me is time, and a willingness, rather than any special ability.
The second issue is that of relating to boys. Being an only child, and then spending most of my pubescent life in a girls' school, I had no significant interaction with the male gender until junior college (two years pre-university education). Then, I was suddenly thrown into the deep end, as I happened to land myself in a boys' school.
As a result, I decided that I could treat guys exactly in the way I treated girls. Chat late into the night, invite each other to do stuff together, and joke around. I always figured as long as I didn't lead a guy on physically, or bat my eyelashes, I could be there for my guy friends the same way I could for my girl ones.
But over the last few years, I was grappling with the fact that the relational stance I was taking was not one that always agreed with society's notions of propriety. While I had always scoffed at gaining the good opinion's of others (at least outwardly), the fact that my church seemed to take a very traditional view of gender roles, and my experiences interacting with members of its congregation, made me suspect that I could be in the wrong.
MYC got me thinking about it again in the context of fulfilling my place or role in the church - part of that role is being a woman. Reading a couple of good books also gave me some perspective. One of them helped me to see that a component of my desire to be so buddy-buddy with guys was a type of self-centered, approval-seeking behaviour - wanting to show that this girls'-school girl could be accepted by boys too.
The other book was Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control
, by Elisabeth Elliot. It's a very readable book that I'd highly recommend. Basically, it's a narrative of the love story between Elisabeth and Jim Elliot, a missionary. But in the telling of it, she stops to discuss her views on various important issues in boy-girl relationships, and her clarity and godly perspective really won me over.
, by Elisabeth Elliot. It's a very readable book that I'd highly recommend. Basically, it's a narrative of the love story between Elisabeth and Jim Elliot, a missionary. But in the telling of it, she stops to discuss her views on various important issues in boy-girl relationships, and her clarity and godly perspective really won me over.Mostly though, her humanity - her vulnerabilities, her doubts, her waverings - were what made the book a good one for me. I could tell that although she was a strong, godly woman, she was just like me in the humanity of her struggles, and that made me sympathetic, and more ready to accept her point of view.
It's quite hard to pinpoint exactly what she says that really changed my mind, but I think a key questions she asks is:
Is it fitting? Is it in accord with the pattern in my life that I'd like to follow? Does it harmonize with my best understanding of God's plan? What is it that brings God's men and God's women together with delicacy and grace? Do I want to walk, here as in all the areas of my life, by faith, or will I take things into my own hands?
After talking to my bible study leader about the matter, I realised that a married person's point of view is a definite vantage point in some ways. Although I cannot see myself as having the (really rather doubtful) gift of marriage, I can see how my relationships may discomfit my friends' future spouses, just as how my mother's male best friend made my own dad a bit jealous. Seen in that light, it does seem to be a kind of consideration to keep a greater distance.
Despite this though, putting thought into action remains a challenge. But as a Christian, knowing that the Holy Spirit is dwelling in me, encourages me to put to death the flesh, and fix myself on 'whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things' (Philippians 4:8).
