Chiang Mai OEP

I felt I grew into teenagehood a lot this trip. All along throughout secondary school, I've been feeling twelve going-on thirteen, and perhaps around my birthday I felt like I'd just hit thirteen. But this trip has made me feel fully thirteen. And with thirteen, comes the inevitable gushy-ness...

First of all I'm going to gush about the loads of girly stuff from my amazing roomies, Chree and Moonie. I shared my very first, very own, bought-it-myself, dangly earrings experience with them, and learnt how fun saying no (i.e. shaking your head) is when you're wearing dangly earrings that swish about. Thanks, Moonie, for teaching me this. I was initiated into the kiap-ing of hair into the metal clippy things and how to use chopsticks to tie hair by Cherie, and loved experimenting with it with you. It's really the funnest thing ever, and it makes hair so much more interesting to me now. Bring on the girliness of being thirteen, baby!

The second thing that made me feel thirteen is the finally understanding the angst that everybody else seems to feel during adolesence. Admittedly, I was a little moody at times during the trip, and decidedly antisocial at others.

The third thing that made me feel thirteen is learning a little more about love. Although, in a rather un-thirteen-like way, I've decided that I really don't want it. Most of all, I don't want unrequited love. I've looked at it from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow...I really don't want to be on the receiving or the giving end of it. When I was nine (my actual age, not the age that I'm feeling), I vaguely thought it might be kind of cool to have strings of beaux (the rhyming here is unintentional). Now, I know better. Now, I know I don't want it. Period. But anyway, I feel more thirteen now that I've got a clearer picture about what I want in love (ie nothing).

My hunger for beauty was satiated on this trip. The view were breathtaking. You wake up in the morning and look out in the blueness of the early morning light and see the picturesque mountains and the pictureskew rusting roofs. The waterfall, the hike in the mountains, the river rafting. It was breathtaking. The way the light falls softly and warmly on the foilage in the mountain trek is something I can't capture on camera, but I will capture forever in my memory. The way the drops of water from the waterfall fell on my face, and the sounds of the rushing water, and the splendour of looking up at something so tall, will also be captured indelibly in my memory. I know I could have taken in more and appreciated more of this kind of beauty, but part of being moody thirteen meant that I wasn't in the mood to appreciate it sometimes.

I'd love to say I felt extremely fulfilled helping the children at Le Refuge, and shipping the can tabs to the Prosthetic Foundation, but I somehow couldn't feel that joy in serving the community that some seem to find so easily. Somehow I can't find the same emotional attachment and gratitude I feel towards my family, my friends and the same desire to serve them. Instead I almost felt like I was doing the CAS out of duty. But I did want to do more for them. I want to give them more than just two brief days. But why can't I feel a burning passion to serve them? Why can't I find it more meaningful? I love the kids there, and I sympathise with their suffering, and I admire their strength, but somehow I feel I should be feeling more than that. My feelings just feel so shallow. I really admire the depth of joy in serving that some seemed to feel on this trip, and I only wish I could have been more like them.

Perhaps it has something to do with the language barrier. Now I know how my grandma feels trying to talk to me! I was reduced to saying only two things when talking to the children at Le Refuge: hello, and very pretty. My grandma manages slightly better, and can also say you is good girl.

I had lots of laughs on this trip as well. Jit and his "kiam pa", and Nana and her "O.M.G" and the Philipino accents. And the Rohayati Ma'am and Sir threesome that Chree, Moonie and I were. That was truly an unforgettable experience. And the prank calls! Our trip would not have been complete without the calls from Zong, Fong, Chee, Sher Sern, Yuangi, Zul and Benlai (I hope I spelled the names right). The coupling that went on was also very amusing. As was a certain person with his incessant punning.